What One Wants
by de Duchess
Summary: post-ep for 4x18 - One Time at Space Camp.   "So." Carter said, his gaze speculative. "You withdrew your name." Jo ducked her head. '...Right.'    Jo comes home and she and Carter have a talk.  Zane comes up once or twice. Maybe a bit more.


**Title: What One Wants**  
><strong>Characters:<strong> Jo Lupo, Jack Carter, mentions of Zane Donovan.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Eureka, or its characters... no copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made.  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> ep 4x18 One Time at Space Camp  
><strong>Beta:<strong> This is un-beta'd. It is also one thirty in the morning. I apologise for this terrible combination.

**Author's Note: **_I was kind of surprised at the reactions this episode got. I was very happy to see Jo assertive and making a decision. She and Zane are way past due on a serious conversation and I hope this is the lead up to that.  
>However, my favorite scene was between Jo and Carter (surprise, surprise), so this is the follow up to his proving he's the best friend ever, when he so gently tried to break the news to her that she hadn't made the cut.<em>

**Dedication:**_** to Sydnew.**  
>Who so kindly dedicated a chapter of her story to me, and I didn't realize it until two weeks ago when I reread the story. Doubly mortifying because I only reviewed the first chapter. So, this one's for her.<br>(Unless you hate it… then uhm. Please accept my sincere apologies for being a bad reviewer and thank you for all the awesome fic. ^_^ )_

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><p><strong>What One Wants<strong>

Jo stepped into the bunker and let the door swing silently shut behind her. She felt lighter, unburdened; at peace almost. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in a long time and it wasn't one she wanted to lose. Despite the events of today, it was for the best. She was sure of that.

"Hey."

She glanced up at Carter's soft greeting and her eyes met his across the room. He was standing in the kitchen with a mug of coffee and he looked at her curiously.

She smiled at him. "Hey." She murmured. "Is everything okay? With you and Alison?"

Carter nodded, a grin briefly taking over his face. "We've been approved." He told her happily as he made his way into the living room and Jo smiled.

"That's great." She said as she stepped up to the couch, resting her hands on the backrest. "Henry told me about Dr. Hughes getting zapped with your memory thing and being responsible for today's mayhem, but he was still being treated so…" she shrugged wryly and Carter nodded.

"The memories are gone, but apparently there's a lingering emotional connection?" Carter chuckled. "He approved us very emphatically in any case."

Jo laughed. "Well, you guys deserve it." She said.

Carter nodded as he set his mug down on the coffee table behind him. "So." He said as he straightened, his gaze speculative. "You withdrew your name."

Jo ducked her head. _Right._ "Thank you, for coming to tell me the results." She told him. It had been unnecessary, but she appreciated the gesture. If she really hadn't made it, having Carter deliver the news would've softened the blow somewhat.

Carter shoved his hands into his pockets. "You've been working really hard these past few weeks." He said quietly. "I thought you wanted to go."

Jo sighed. "Things change." She said.

"Since this afternoon?" Carter asked, his eyes searching her face. "You were practically bouncing of the walls when you had to go in for your interview. What happened, Jo?"

Jo softened at his concern and moved around the couch so she could reach him. "It's okay, Carter." She told him. She took his elbow and tugged him down onto the couch with her, pulling her leg up so she could face him. "I withdrew for me. It was the right thing to do and I'm okay with it."

Carter shook his head. "Still confused." He told her.

Jo chuckled. "I needed to do this _for me_. I feel like, for the longest time I've been doing the things that were expected from me or just trying to prove people wrong." She bit her lip. "Ever since we got here, my life has just been completely out of control. Every time I thought I had things figured out and back on track, something happened to just ruin it again. Everything's been a mess and I've just been screwing up and making it worse."

"Hey," Carter reached out and squeezed her hand. "You've been pretty amazing too." He said.

Jo smiled again. God, she'd smiled more in the last few hours than she had in months. "And I've also had to adapt to a situation that was very different from what we left behind. And let's be honest, I did it badly." She cringed slightly as she thought of the way she'd dealt with the situation between her and Zane.

"Working to go to Titan was something I had control over. When my life was literally spiraling out of control, that was something that only I was responsible for." She glanced up at Carter. "I'm not saying that a part of me didn't want to go, because I do. But today during the final interviews they wanted to know my motivation for going to Titan and I didn't have a good answer. It should be about more than just a challenge." She shrugged. "It's weird. I never really realized how much I was trying to prove that people's expectations of me were wrong. And I just want to do things for me now. I withdrew because I don't need this. Not like the other applicants do."

Carter frowned at her. "You're really okay with this." He said slowly.

"Yeah," Jo smiled, "I really am."

She laughed at his confused face. "I just realized that I didn't need to go, that I had nothing to prove. I'd done everything I needed to and made it through everything and now, it should be to the people that live for this to go to Titan."

"But it's _Titan_." Carter said. "It's space and unexplored and uncharted territory and groundbreaking and all that."

Jo grinned. "Yes. And it will be amazing. And I decided for myself that it's not what I wanted. I needed to just make the choice for me. And that's… freeing."

Carter contemplated her. "You look happy." He finally said softly.

"I guess it's relief that led to euphoria and it hasn't worn off yet." Jo said. "I'm enjoying it while it lasts." She smirked.

Carter nodded. "Not to be the thing that kills it then, but how did Zane take it?"

Jo winced. "He's confused. Upset. Hurt." She sighed. "We did this together and the one thing I didn't really consider was that by quitting the Astreaus project, I was also quitting on him."

"Six months is a long time." Carter said. "Six months and a billion miles is worse."

"Yeah." Jo agreed. "But Zane and I needed to talk regardless of whether we made the cut or not."

"Really?" Carter said, waggling his eyebrows.

Jo snorted. "Yeah. Your advice to 'let it be' didn't really work as well as you might've thought."

"Yeah, well." Carter grinned but he sobered quickly. "So what does that mean for you two?"

"I don't know." Jo admitted. "I have no perspective when it comes to Zane, everything just gets jumbled and becomes a mess." She sighed. "Maybe distance is good. We did this whole thing backwards and out of order and now we're just stuck."

"He cares about you." Carter said quietly. "For what it's worth."

Jo nodded. "But does he care because he thought he was supposed to? Or because the feelings were genuinely there?"

Carter grimaced and Jo nodded. "Do I care about him because of him? Or because of who he used to be?" She said.

She leaned back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "Nothing about this is easy or fair. And Zane and I just skated passed all of that. It's the elephant in the room and we kept ignoring it and now we're stuck."

"And now he's leaving." Carter supplied. "And you're not going with him."

Jo chuckled wryly. "Oh, I can do you one better." She said as she turned her head so she could look at Carter. "He's been pardoned and can leave Eureka if he wants. And I haven't asked him to stay."

Carter stared at her. "Zane wants to leave?"

"He's been hinting that if he didn't get into Astreaus he would leave Eureka. Even when he gets back, it's still a possibility."

"Oh, Jo." Carter said. "I'm sorry. I guess you withdrawing didn't help."

Jo shook her head. "No, it didn't." She admitted. "Which is why we need to talk."

"Do you want him to stay?" Carter asked tentatively.

Jo bit her lip. "I want it to be _him_ I'm asking to stay." She said quietly. "I want him to _want_ to stay. I want for him to be willing to stay without me having to ask." She straightened abruptly, wiping at the tear that was not supposed to be rolling down her cheek.

"I want to not need him." She said angrily. "I want to not miss the other him. I want to get back to the point where I could live my life without him. God, I want for this to be more than just two stubborn people being passive aggressive. I want this to be real!"

Carter blinked at her. "Okay." He said carefully. "I beginning to see the benefits of distance."

Jo snorted despite herself and Carter relaxed. "Sorry." She said sheepishly.

Carter smiled. "Hey, my fault. Didn't mean to kill the euphoria."

Jo shrugged. "Venting was pretty cathartic though."

Carter bumped her shoulder with his. "I aim to please."

Jo managed a smile. "I don't know what he wants, though." She said. "God, I don't even know what I want. All I knew today was that it _wasn't_ going to Titan."

Carter smirked. "Good thing you figured that out _now_, and not five days in and stuck on another planet."

"Moon." Jo corrected halfheartedly. She considered Carter for a long moment. "You know what else I don't want?" she finally said.

Carter tilted his head and Jo pressed her lips together, fighting to keep her composure. "I don't want to get hurt again."

Carter looked stunned before reaching out and grasping her hands tightly in his. "I tried to keep him at arm's length, but we both know how that went. He can break me, Carter. And he doesn't even know it. And it scares the crap out of me, always did." She took a deep breath, trying to let his hands anchor her. "It would be easier if he did leave. But I know that if he does, he won't come back."

"Okay." Carter said resolutely, squeezing her hands. "I don't care how hard you hit me, I am going to hug you now."

Jo let out a surprised laugh and Carter tugged on her hands, drawing her into his arms for an embrace. It was awkward from their positions and she had to shift around and scoot closer, but in the end she was leaning against him and his arms were wrapped around her, and he was big and warm and comforting as he ran a hand up and down her back.

"On the bright side," She said, breaking the silence after a long moment. "Henry and Grace are married, and you and Allison have been approved by the DOD."

Carter laughed quietly. "There is that." He agreed.

"So, I guess there is hope."

**~End**

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><p><em>Thank you kindly for reading. This did not end up going the way I meant for it to... at all. But it's one thirty in the morning and I'm exhausted, so I'll care about that later.<em>

Now, if any of you lovely people would like to make a gif, or graphic, or any kind of art really, of the scene where Jo frames Zane's face with her hands, smiles and then hugs him… I will love you forever. Seriously. Second best moment of the ep.


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